Observations
by Jeffrey Ventrella (Ventrella.com)
Inspired by National Lampoon's Big Book of True Facts.
And also Engrish.com.
Note: items in bag may have mixed together during shipment.
In those last microseconds before the fly is swatted, we thought you might want to give it a little Goodbye smile.
...and after you've swatted the fly, you can immediately scratch your back (damn tick bites!)
I'd like two, actually. And could you put them in a bag?
There's only one very special person who is allowed to sit here.
That's my kind of meditation. The kind that is used for outward-facing anxiety is just not my cup of tea.
If your children start to look like sweaty evil zombies, they may be getting too much junk food.
For instance, you should say, "thank you" when you flush.
Weird. Just plain weird.
(example from the toilet paper true usage distraction series)


Top proctologists agree: listening to old fashioned radios while lying on cumulus clouds leads to better anal hygiene.
(example from the toilet paper true usage distraction series)


This is one of the best brands. But you have to watch out for the claws.
(example from the toilet paper true usage distraction series)


If you are concerned that the Lavender Puff-Bird of New Guinea is on the brink of extinction, you should switch to a different brand.
(example from the toilet paper true usage distraction series)


We guarantee that our brand will NOT make your anus look like this.
(example from the toilet paper true usage distraction series)


Patented Technology: Insta-Bloom (genetically-engineered pollen)
At Isshin Sushi, We've Got Your Lower Intestine in Mind.
Step #7: take four Tylenol to reduce pain from having 50% of the epidermis removed from your hands.
It's easier on your hands. And Lulu loves the way it tastes!
Just letting you know: we didn't want to spend the money on one of those high-end systems.
The best yam fries in town! And the bubbliest too.
So, all I want know is...what the hell is that bee holding?



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(stay tuned for more intellectual scholarly analysis and shit)